This is why I love my Dad...

A text conversation with my Dad today:

Me: Hey Papa! I'm wanting to bribe you and mom with pizza and beer tomorrow to help w/ moving big stuff at the townhouse... :)

Dad: How cheap do you think we look? Do you think we took tomorrow off?

Me: LoL - Mom already told me you did and beer and pizza is your Achilles heel.

Dad: I'm doomed to a life of servitude to women. :(

Me: God will reward you in Heaven.

Dad: Ooh-ya! With 70 virgins :)

Gotta love the guy!

Lady Gaga...

Ok - confession time: I have this strange fascination with Lady Gaga. I don't quite know why... it's like watch a car accident - I want to look away, but can't because I'm too intrigued...

It started out that she annoyed me. I couldn't stand her music, or her clothes, or her strange eyes that creep me out when she takes her glasses off, or her dancing... pretty much just her in general. I liked her song "Just dance" - hated "Poker face" and "Paparazzi..." I found her very fake and superficial. I heard an interview on the radio with her, and her answer to every question was "It's all about the art." *Commence barfing sound*

As Lady Gaga has become more popular, I've caught more and more interviews with her. While my brain usually would hurt after hearing her talk, and attempting to make sense of what she was saying, I've noticed that she's actually starting to make sense now... Could it be coaching she's getting on sending a clear message to the public? Could it be some life changes she's gone through? Who knows?

Something I admire, now, about Lady Gaga is that she does everything so that her fans have a place to feel "normal." She talks openly about feeling like an outcast in high school, and feeling like she did not fit in. As a result, she is as outrageous and outlandish as she is because she want's her fans to feel like they can be just as "monsterish" as they want/need to be. That makes sense to me - that is honorable to me - that if flat out impressive to me. Maybe it is because I work with kids, but I know I want nothing more than to help kids see that there is a place in this world for them. Whether they are a skilled athlete, a talented artist, an impressive brainiac, or even just a kid walking the hallway - they are valued.

I think this comes back to something Rob Bell wrote: He said something to the effect of "If it is good, we should claim it." Basically - why can't we be more willing to see God in places that we normally would not have? Do I see God in Lady Gaga? Absolutely. She has this desire to reach out to every person and let them know that they are valuable to this world. God wants nothing more than to let us see that He values us and our place in this world. Lady Gaga is not God - far from it - but she loves differently, sees people differently, has more "balls" to stand up to those who hurt others.

Lonely in a crowd...

Last night I went to dinner with Sheamus to his cousins house. It was a great night: good food, good conversation, lots of baby holding. About halfway through the night Sheamus was asked by his cousins to be the Godfather their son. Sheamus was elated, and you could see in his face that he really felt it was an honor to be asked. I was very happy for him.

Something in mood changed after they asked Sheamus to be the Godfather. I felt a little hurt, and left out. I brushed my feelings aside for the rest of the night, and tried not to think about it again until this morning...

I was hurt because after being with Sheamus for 3 years now, and feeling like I'm such a part of his family, last night made me feel very much not a part of the family. While I was not expecting to be asked to be a Godparent, it was still sad to know that one of the major reasons that I may not have even been considered is that I'm not actually a part of their family. While I know marriage isn't some magic "joiner" card that automatically makes me a Maloney - I truly believe that a shift occurs when a couple gets married and people accept new wives and husbands as part of the family.

I know that Sheamus' unwillingness to get married now has nothing to do with me. I do, however, think he fails to see sometimes how important it is to me. Marriage (or if I'm being honest, a wedding) to me is a time to stand up in front of family and friends, and say "I am committed to this person, to this relationship, to this life together - I am committed to doing everything in my power to make this work. I am committed to growing with this person, learning with this person, stretching with this person. I am committed to admitting when I am wrong, and asking for forgiveness when I screw up. I am committing not only to love this person, but to respect this person, protect this person, look out for their well being, and care for this person. I want this crowd of witnesses, and the witnesses who will be present in the future, to be there to support this new union, and to be a part of making this marriage a success." Weddings to me are less about the cost of the dress, the extravagant cakes, the lighting, venue, wedding favors, invitations, showers, etc... All those happen, but at the end of the night what it boils down to is two people committing to figure it out together, and asking those around them to be willing to help them do it.

It'll happen... Patience is a virtue... but the lump in the pit of my stomach isn't making it much fun...

Upstanding Bethel Alumna...

Last night I went to a baby shower and had a realization: The Bethel life I easily fit into I no longer can pretend that I do. The shower was thrown by an upstanding Bethel Alumna that would be seen by many as being a perfect example of a blessed Bethel life: never truly tempted, always in control, happy ALL THE TIME, bubbly, loves everyone, and especially loves Jesus. While this is not to say that I'm some hardcore bad ass that lives life on the edge, I will be honest in staying that my relationship with God has looked more like a wrestling match than a quiet walk through the meadow.

This UBA (Upstanding Bethel Alumna) started out the evening being absolutely excited to see EVERYONE that walked through her perfectly manicured door. We're talking screaming and lots of hugs - WHOA. Then she had a cute little sign by the door so everyone could wear nametags - the party had 8 guests total - I think we can remember 8 names. She then proceeded to herd us into her perfectly decorated kitchen where we gathered for punch, appetizers, and decaf coffee. Here she, again, exclaimed about being excited to see everyone, and talked about her wacky perfect husband whose most annoying feature was that he wanted their dog in their Church directory photo - WHOA. While these are minor examples, and not even close to the annoying I'm speaking of... here is the escalating point. We gather in her perfectly decorated living room and begin playing shower games - the last shower game we played she proceeded to apologize every time someone got the answer wrong, and explained that had she written the game she would have listed that answer. I must be heartless cause I wanted to yell out "SUCKERS! You got it wrong" (OK, not really)! After the shower game the UBA passed out bible verses and announces that we're going to take time to pray for the guest of honor at the shower. I'm thinking this is a very sweet idea - I would want my closest friends to take time to pray for something like a baby or wedding, etc. The UBA explains that we're going to do a popcorn prayer, and for those not comfortable they can read a bible verse because "sometimes God's word is better than ours." Ok. She starts the prayer and all I can say is that my brain could not move past the scene in Talladega Nights where Will Ferrell is praying over their fast food dinner. Every other word was "Jesus," "Lord," and "Thank you." I think I heard "prayer warrior" used more in that 3 minute prayer than in my entire lifetime...

While I know that I have some "issues" surrounding the church, I feel like the UBA is THE exact reason I have such a hard time moving forward. I know amazing individuals who are Christian - who share my same views - people who are real in showing their struggles with God. Why is it that I let someone like UBA bother me so much? Is it her fault? I have a hard time believing it is, but at the same time can someone shake her and scream "LIFE IS NOT PERFECT IF YOU FOLLOW GOD!" Is it wrong to be believe that those who struggle with God have a more meaningful relationship with God? I'm reading The Shack and the main character in the book asks God why Jesus was abandoned on the cross. God answers by saying that Jesus was never abandoned on the cross, but that Jesus was so focused on his pain that he did not realize that God was still there. If Jesus wrestled with God, would it not be safe to say that we should also wrestle with God? Why is it that I don't take people seriously when they aren't transparent about their struggles with God?

I suppose it boils down to this: I love Jesus. I know that. Sometime I argue with God, and struggle with understanding why things are the way they are. Do I absolutely believe that that struggle makes me a more genuine follower - Yes. Is that spiritual pride?Probably. Does God love me anyways? Yes.

So what's with the rant? If we can't be genuine in our struggles, especially with God, how do we expect to help others through their struggles with others and with God?

Loosing...

It's weird to loose somebody. When I say loose someone I don't mean in the death sense, but in the dead to me sense... It's almost worse than if the person died. To have a friend that meant the world to you - was the epitome of what a friend should be - your friendship was the stuff of dreams: easy, effortless, full of life, filling rather than draining, a perfect balance of give and take... To have that replaced with awkwardness, resentment, disappointment, attitude. To care for someone so much, and to be disappointed in their choices is hard. To feel slapped in the face, punched in the stomach, and abandoned...

I think what is most sad about it is when you hit the point of just not caring anymore. Not caring about who they are, what they do, their feelings, their thoughts - they just become dead to you. It's like watching a plant die, but there's nothing you can do about it. Watering doesn't happen enough, the soil becomes dry and cracks, the foundation is gone and all you can do is watch the once full of life plant wither into a brown, dead, stick. No longer strong enough to weather the storm, you just have to abandon it and cut your loses.

I say this often, but it's true: chalk it up to growing up. I suppose if I can learn anything from this it is that two people have to be committed to growing together. It can't be "I'll love you until you change" - it has to be "I'll love you and learn to love you again when you do change."

Disconnect.

I feel like there are these moments when I am completely disconnected from the life I knew. The person I was, the people I hung out with, the life I lived - the connections that felt so strong, and permanent, are now weakened and severed... Is that life, or is that a choice that I am making without even realizing it?

People I was convinced were going to be important in my life forever, are now figments of my imagination - memories I cling to rather than the reality of a strong friendship. People that I could hug and cry with everyday, are now people I have to plan months in advance to see because we all are just that busy. People that I could count on to be there in my darkest moments, are now disappointments...

Maybe this is the time in life where you realize that everything moves on. As much as we grip with white knuckles to the comfortable past that we love, life moves forward, almost painfully so.
My coworker always says that she's removed the absolutes from her life because nothing is as it will always be. As depressing as that sounds, maybe life is defined by how well we handle change - how well we adapt to new - how easily we appreciate the past for what it was, and leave it in the past...

St. Paul - A love note.

St. Paul how I love thee.

Cossetta's, Highland Park, Como Zoo... the comfort that comes from driving down your streets. The smile that comes to my face when I see where the old Xcel tower used to be, and I remember the dragon and princess that lived atop the tower (or at least I believed they did when I was 5)...

How my heart breaks when I think about leaving your warm embrace... Even 20 minutes south is too far away from all that I love.

My heart belongs to the city - It's like Carrie's love with New York... My heart will always be with St. Paul.

Always.